11/21/24:

i haven't forgotten about this website i promise lol and now that i've strictly set myself a goal to reach at least a month of no-scroll i'll be spending more time here when i'm in the mood to sit in front of a screen. not much has happened besides work being so damn stressful and me getting pretty sick. as of the moment i'm writing this, my nose has finally unclogged somewhat but my ears still feel funky and my body just feels sort of beat up.

i'm back to reading books whenever i can and just focusing on one media at a time which honestly feels refreshing to say the least. social media just doesn't hit anymore to be frank, i actually think it's vile and i kinda hate it and everything it stands for except for maybe like, the funny memes. it's been a while since i got rid of insta but i was still watching way too many shorts on youtube and scrolling reddit like it's my morning newspaper. every once in a while i am reminded of the fact that we just have too many choices and it sucks the life out of us. instead of being creative i spend too much time looking for references on pinterest, or i don't even get started cause i think that i don't have enough time for it, and then proceed to spend that time brainrotting. and that's just one examples of how so often our phones and social media are just such a waste of time. at this point i'd honestly feel more refreshed just lying in bed and staring at the wall for an hour.

also it's slowly becoming winter, which i have mixed feelings about. i'm actually not a winter person but since last winter sucked so bad i kind of made a promise to myself that i'm going to make this winter magical for myself. i think after all i went through i really deserve it. mark my words!

 

10/06/24:

it feels a bit surreal that it's already october. i just went on a long walk enjoying the last breaths of summer. the trees are slowly starting to turn golden and orange but it was quite warm and sunny today. i'm getting back into the groove comfortably, exiting the summer slump for good. work is starting to get busier again (which is good), i'm back to working on graphics stuff for the sunny people. i still have a bunch of homework to do for korean class and i've been meaning to continue working on some sections of my website too. there's a lot more that i've been wanting to do but i'm trying to focus on a few things at a time so i don't get overwhelmed. i tend to just want to do everything all at once, which is impossible and trying to do so usually gets me nowhere other than feeling frustrated lol. i'm kind of bouncing between wanting to float in nothingness and wanting to do everything. not sure how to get out of that state but i'll try.

 

09/15/24

what did i even do this week? i feel like time is flying by. we are more than halfway through 2024 and now that summer is over i feel a sort of quiet melancholy washing over me, but in a good way. it feels like i can finally rest. there was so much going on, so much stress, so much pain and so many things i didn't ask for. even though i tried my best to have a good time despite it all, it often felt difficult.

i feel like i need 5 years of rest after all the shit i've been through this year. i think my anxiety has gotten worse but at the same time i've gotten way better at managing it. the thing they don't tell you about learning how to manage having a difficult time is that you're still going to have a difficult time, just in a slightly less crappy way. during those difficult times you will still have good times, because you fight for it.

life goes on despite it all and sometimes it makes you feel horrible but other times it feels like a relief that life still goes on despite everything. i don't know. i don't feel particularly articulate and i'm not trying to make this sound wise either. it's a bit hard to put into words how i feel about the terror and simultaneous beauty of being alive. i'm just tired. i want to play sims for hours on end and eat a whole tub of ice cream by myself and feel cozy as the cool early fall breeze comes through my window.

i want to hang out with my loved ones and laugh and eat tasty overprized food. i want to hop on a train and just get out somewhere and take a walk. as someone who is both grateful for and yet scared of turning thirty soon, the one thing i learned about being an adult so far is that there's always something going on that will discourage you from having a good time, but a good life can only be had by still doing all the fun things you want to do despite it all.

 

09/06/24:

this week has been super busy as i finally managed to pull through on all those tasks that had been piling up for months. to be honest i'm quite drained. i was supposed to prepare some ideas for a music project jam/recording session that i'm working on with a friend, but i'm not feeling creative enough. i really tried my best to keep moving all week and eat healthily to help my body recover from the last few months of stress, but today i ate way too much junk and haven't moved an inch. i'm grateful that the morning seem to be quite rainy and cool recently though. i'm so so tired of the sun. and i know winter-me would literally hit me over the head for saying that, but i really, really have hit a deadpoint with summer. it seems like the seasons that i thrive in (spring and fall) are the shortest and most of my year is spent just trying to cope with seasonal depression lol. either way it feels strange. it's supposed to cool down next week and i'm kind of excited for that. that's it for now!