09/15/24

what did i even do this week? i feel like time is flying by. we are more than halfway through 2024 and now that summer is over i feel a sort of quiet melancholy washing over me, but in a good way. it feels like i can finally rest. there was so much going on, so much stress, so much pain and so many things i didn't ask for. even though i tried my best to have a good time despite it all, it often felt difficult.

i feel like i need 5 years of rest after all the shit i've been through this year. i think my anxiety has gotten worse but at the same time i've gotten way better at managing it. the thing they don't tell you about learning how to manage having a difficult time is that you're still going to have a difficult time, just in a slightly less crappy way. during those difficult times you will still have good times, because you fight for it.

life goes on despite it all and sometimes it makes you feel horrible but other times it feels like a relief that life still goes on despite everything. i don't know. i don't feel particularly articulate and i'm not trying to make this sound wise either. it's a bit hard to put into words how i feel about the terror and simultaneous beauty of being alive. i'm just tired. i want to play sims for hours on end and eat a whole tub of ice cream by myself and feel cozy as the cool early fall breeze comes through my window.

i want to hang out with my loved ones and laugh and eat tasty overprized food. i want to hop on a train and just get out somewhere and take a walk. as someone who is both grateful for and yet scared of turning thirty soon, the one thing i learned about being an adult so far is that there's always something going on that will discourage you from having a good time, but a good life can only be had by still doing all the fun things you want to do despite it all.

09/06/24:

this week has been super busy as i finally managed to pull through on all those tasks that had been piling up for months. to be honest i'm quite drained. i was supposed to prepare some ideas for a music project jam/recording session that i'm working on with a friend, but i'm not feeling creative enough. i really tried my best to keep moving all week and eat healthily to help my body recover from the last few months of stress, but today i ate way too much junk and haven't moved an inch. i'm grateful that the morning seem to be quite rainy and cool recently though. i'm so so tired of the sun. and i know winter-me would literally hit me over the head for saying that, but i really, really have hit a deadpoint with summer. it seems like the seasons that i thrive in (spring and fall) are the shortest and most of my year is spent just trying to cope with seasonal depression lol. either way it feels strange. it's supposed to cool down next week and i'm kind of excited for that. that's it for now!